


Shatter Me

by Courageinabox



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Memory Loss, meanwhile from mobius' point of view, mental fuckery
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-10-03
Updated: 2015-10-04
Packaged: 2018-04-24 15:58:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,287
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4925911
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Courageinabox/pseuds/Courageinabox
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>How painfully unselfish, Trip.<br/>(Mobius' point of view in some chapters of Cataclysm.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Cataclysm](https://archiveofourown.org/works/4460372) by [Experiment413](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Experiment413/pseuds/Experiment413). 



> Meanwhile, in Mobius' point of view.  
> This won't make much sense unless you've read Chapter 14 of Cataclysm, so go do that. If you're not that far, implied spoilers I guess?

You didn’t know what to do anymore.  
This wasn’t to say you weren’t used to forgetting things; ‘forgetful’ was your middle name. But there was something so distinctly wrong now and you had no way to know, because you could not remember.  
Never before had this happened. Even when you didn’t have your reminders, this was never so hard, never so painful. What scared you more was sometimes you found yourself forgetting who was even here with you. That you even had to look out for Hadron.  
But you always pretended everything was okay, even if you felt like you were spiraling. And Hadron always said she was glad you were okay, even though she knew you weren’t. That was how it worked with you two - you lied to each other, but you always knew.  
And you, Mobius Trip, felt like you were shattering, and for once, you had no idea if she knew.

Trying to start at the beginning was impossible because there was no beginning. There was no beginning or end to this anymore; the others would call this hell, but did they have any idea what kind of fresh hell it was for you? You did not know how long you had been here anymore. You did not know how this started. You didn’t know because you couldn’t trust your mind anymore. The only thing you had to trust was the people around you; but nothing else. You trusted Hadron, but when there was someone out to get you maybe there really was nothing to trust.

At one point, you’d had the maze memorized. Or at least, that is what you said to yourself. There was no way to know if that was true.  
But when that had left you, you had no idea how to get around anymore. And being lost in this maze was frightening. You were sure you weren’t the only person who thought that. But when it got to the point that you couldn’t recognize where you’d been a few turns ago, you knew you were so, so screwed.

What were you supposed to do when your own thoughts were going to be nothing come the next few hours? How fast was everything leaving your head? And why?

There was only a constant impression of pain, and the vague passing of time. Sometimes you wondered if there were things you forgot so entirely that even the fact that time had passed was gone. The way things were skipping, blurring, in such a way that was not like you and was so wrong?

You knew something was wrong. Someone was doing this. And who else but D.O.O.M.E.D.?  
But you couldn’t even trust that deduction, could you? You could not trust yourself. 

And if this truly was D.O.O.M.E.D.’s doing, you hoped to God that right now, no one else was trusting you.

When you met Hadron and Paint, it was incredible relief. Because if you could not base anything off your own thoughts, at least you could go off them. You tried not to consider that your observations might not be real anymore.

And if anything you could hold onto, you tried to hold onto Hadron. Words, movements, everything. Because you were always there for each other, and while you could not trust yourself now, you trusted her, you trusted her to catch you.

These were words you wanted to say but no, not in front of Paint, no, what if you worried HK?  
How funny you were; your mind shattering and you didn’t want to worry your precious Hadron. How painfully unselfish, Trip. She’d have to know eventually, because you had this terrible feeling that you would have to be resolved for this to be resolved.  
But could you trust that feeling anyways?

No, no you couldn’t.

More than anything, you wanted to spill all of this to Hadron, you wanted to beg her to save you from this, to catch you as you fell, to snap you out of this.  
But you didn’t.

Because is that what _you_ wanted?  
Or was your will not your own?

You would not let D.O.O.M.E.D. have his way.

 

So you would suffer in silence, until you were nothing.

How painfully unselfish, Mobius Trip.

To let him shatter you.


	2. Smart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Of course it's over. Of course you're lying.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is technically post-Cataclysm, now, so after chapter 15. Again, will make no sense without the rest of the story, so read that first.

It was never over.

 

Or at least, it did not feel over to you.  
Because the end of DOOMED was not the end of your fear, not in the least, because it did not bring back all you had lost. It only made you feel more sure that things were not okay, and might not be for a long time. For if DOOMED had so easily managed to get into your head, what else could?

Even though your memory was not vanishing at every turn now, you still struggled to accept your thoughts, for you had so wholly adjusted to not believing anything. 

You were so happy that Hadron was going to be okay; you cared about her above all things. But the worst question still remained. Were YOU still a danger?

Because most of all you wonder if DOOMED is truly gone, or if he was living on in whatever he did to you. But saying it would make it a real possibility, wouldn't it?

So you vowed not to share this fear. You'd adjust back, you'd find a way to feel safe in your own mind again. To take your shattered state and set it back together without risking their safety.

 

How painfully unselfish, Trip. Don't you wish you _could_ do that?

 

Because it's like how you and Hadron lie to each other, except this time the lie is to yourself and it could be a whole lot more dangerous in the end. But life is dangerous and if nothing more will save you now then what else are you supposed to do?  
Prospit is comforting. The maze might as well have been the incarnation of your fear, of your confusion, of all your disorientation. Prospit is home and at least you feel a little more confident about what's real when you're here. 

You know that questioning everything, questioning its realness, is not going to get you anywhere. You try so, so hard not to, but you struggle. The struggle is silent because it's just grappling with your own mind. Never in all of your years did you think you'd ever feel this way, ever feel like you couldn't know yourself. 

How smart was DOOMED, really? Had it planned its way back? Or was this just painful paranoia because you were scared that your will was still not returned to you?  
It was either that or this was still DOOMED's doing, and neither choice was better than the other.

You wanted to be free in your own head but you didn't think it could happen. Because when you were overwhelmed, freedom came in forgetfulness, but how could you forget that you had forgotten? To put it simply, it did not work that way.

You wanted to go back, you wanted to go back to how things had been before, to when you really felt alive. But you wouldn't do it yourself, would you. And you wouldn't drag someone down to drag you out, would you.

 

DOOMED was smart, you realized, because it had known before everything started exactly what it needed to do. Maybe it had never wanted to win. Maybe it had just wanted carnage. Maybe all it wanted was cataclysm.  
And if that was its goal, then oh, oh, DOOMED had won with you.

If DOOMED had wanted to shatter you? 

 

Then yes -

he had succeeded.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [What His Brain is Telling All](https://archiveofourown.org/works/4935943) by [Experiment413](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Experiment413/pseuds/Experiment413)




End file.
